A Lttle more humour
Hi everyone, im hoping to get my computer back by the weekend all going well! We have had a warm few days was 37c = 98f yesterday and I spent the day in the garden do a little weeding switching a few pots about and finished up repotting a few of my orchids took a few photos but will keep them till i get my computer back... today was 36c, I went to visit my sister,a little later visited a sick friend,then recieved a phone call to ask me to bowl (Indoor carpet) tonight and of course I said yes, We our team were runners up tonight, tomorrow the air condition serviceman is comming to take cover of AC and turn it on for me... Tomorrow a cool change 25c. Im slowly making my way round to visiting you all and will visit each and everyone of you as soon as possible. Now to end with a few more jokes.
New priest in town
One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
It was a fine spring Day in his new Texas mission parish He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself.
This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Vancouver Airport on its final approach.
The co pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Vancouver?""Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night
."Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane.
She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a Poop first."*
Wife from Hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I
Clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be
Silly dear, you know this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at
His wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
Radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
Detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
Teeth. "Damnit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice you're not
Wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but
Took it off when you pulled me over so I could get my license out of my
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well you didn't
Have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
Driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
Talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."